Do you ever catch yourself judging a person by the headline they put out there, then forget there’s a whole story underneath?
In real terms, maybe you saw a coworker snap at a client and instantly labeled them “rude. ”
Or you read a social‑media post that sounds angry and assume the author is a hot‑head.
What if, instead of stopping at the surface, you paused and asked: What’s really driving this behavior?
That tiny shift—moving from “what they did” to “why they did it”—can change everything. It’s the difference between a quick‑fire opinion and a deeper, more compassionate understanding. Below we’ll unpack why looking at motivations or actions matters, how to do it without over‑thinking, the pitfalls most people fall into, and a handful of practical moves you can start using today.
What Is Considering Someone’s Motivations or Actions
When we talk about “considering motivations,” we’re not getting philosophical about free will or destiny. It’s simply the practice of asking, What’s behind the behavior I’m seeing?
Conversely, “considering actions” is the more obvious side: looking at the concrete things a person does—what they say, the decisions they make, the results they produce Worth keeping that in mind..
In real life the two are tangled. A single action can be a window into a motive, and a motive can ripple out into many actions. The skill is learning to toggle between the two, like flipping a switch, so you don’t get stuck in one mode Simple, but easy to overlook..
The Two Lenses
- Motivation‑First Lens – You start with the question “why?” before you even name the behavior.
- Action‑First Lens – You observe the behavior first, then ask “what does this tell me about the person?”
Both are useful. The key is not to let one dominate to the point where you ignore the other.
Why It Matters / Why People Care
Think about the last time you misread a situation. And maybe you called in sick because you thought a manager was being unfair, only to discover they were juggling a crisis you didn’t know about. That misunderstanding cost you a day of work and some trust.
Every time you habitually default to the action‑first lens, you risk:
- Damaged relationships – People feel judged, not heard.
- Missed opportunities – A teammate’s quietness might hide a brilliant idea waiting for a safe space.
- Self‑sabotage – You waste mental energy spiraling on “why they did that” instead of solving the actual problem.
On the flip side, leaning too heavily on motivations can lead you to excuse harmful behavior. “He was stressed, so it’s okay he yelled” is a classic rationalization that lets toxicity slide Practical, not theoretical..
Balancing both lenses gives you a clearer map of the social terrain. You can respond with empathy and hold people accountable where it counts Worth knowing..
How It Works (or How to Do It)
Below is a step‑by‑step guide you can practice anywhere—from boardrooms to brunch tables.
1. Pause and Observe
The moment you notice a reaction—an angry email, a slammed door, a sarcastic comment—take a breath But it adds up..
Why? Your brain loves shortcuts; it will instantly label you “the angry one” or “the lazy one.” A brief pause breaks that autopilot.
2. Identify the Action
Name the observable fact, stripped of judgment.
“John sent an email that said, ‘We’re done with this project.’”
Notice you’re not adding “rude” or “defeated” yet. Just the what Less friction, more output..
3. Scan for Context
What’s happening around that action?
- Time pressure?
- Recent feedback?
- Personal stressors (e.g., a family illness)?
A quick mental checklist can surface hidden drivers It's one of those things that adds up..
4. Ask the “Why” (Motivation Probe)
Now shift to curiosity:
- “Why might John feel compelled to end the project now?”
- “What’s his underlying goal?”
You don’t need to know the answer immediately—just generate a few plausible motives. This is where empathy kicks in Easy to understand, harder to ignore..
5. Test Your Hypotheses
If possible, gather more data.
- Ask a clarifying question: “Hey John, I saw the email—what prompted the change?”
- Observe follow‑up behavior: does he offer alternatives, or does he stay silent?
The goal is to see which motive aligns with the evidence Small thing, real impact..
6. Decide on Your Response
Now you have both lenses:
- If the action is problematic but the motive is understandable, you might address the behavior while acknowledging the pressure.
- If the motive is questionable (e.g., personal gain at others’ expense), you may need a firmer boundary.
7. Reflect After the Interaction
Did you miss any clues? Think about it: did you over‑interpret? A quick post‑mortem helps fine‑tune the habit.
Common Mistakes / What Most People Get Wrong
Even seasoned communicators slip up. Here are the three biggest blunders and how to dodge them.
Mistake #1: “Motivation‑Only” Excuses
People love to say, “He was just stressed,” and then let the stress excuse everything. That’s a slippery slope—stress is real, but it doesn’t erase impact.
Fix: Pair the motive with accountability. “I get you’re under pressure, but the deadline still needs to be met. How can we adjust?”
Mistake #2: Ignoring the Action Altogether
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in “what’s going on inside their head?” that we forget the tangible effect. A manager might feel insecure, but the team still experiences micromanagement.
Fix: Keep the action on the table. Validate the feeling, then address the concrete outcome: “I hear you’re worried about the numbers; let’s set up a quick check‑in instead of daily emails.”
Mistake #3: Jumping to the Wrong Motive
Our brains love stories, so we often pick the most dramatic motive—jealousy, greed, spite—without evidence. That can poison trust No workaround needed..
Fix: Generate multiple possible motives before settling on one. The “best‑fit” often emerges after you gather more information Easy to understand, harder to ignore..
Practical Tips / What Actually Works
You don’t need a psychology degree to start using this approach. Here are five down‑to‑earth tactics you can slip into daily life Most people skip this — try not to..
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Use the “Feel‑Then‑Fact” Sentence
Start a response with a brief acknowledgment of the motive, then state the observable fact.
Example: “I understand you’re feeling rushed, but the report was submitted after the cutoff.” -
Keep a “Motivation Log”
For a week, jot down moments when you judged someone’s behavior. Next to each, note at least one possible motive you missed. Over time you’ll see patterns. -
Ask Open‑Ended “What’s Going On?” Questions
Instead of “Why did you do that?” try “What’s happening for you right now?” It invites the other person to share context without feeling interrogated. -
Set a “Pause Timer”
When you get a strong emotional reaction, set a mental 10‑second timer before replying. Those seconds are enough to shift from reflex to reflection Simple, but easy to overlook.. -
Model the Balance
In meetings, explicitly name both the action and the possible motive. “Tom, you raised the budget by 20%—I’m guessing the market data you saw pushed you to that.” It signals to everyone that you value both lenses.
FAQ
Q: How do I handle someone who repeatedly uses “I was stressed” as a blanket excuse?
A: Acknowledge the stress once, then set a clear expectation. “I hear stress is high, but we need a solution. Let’s schedule a weekly check‑in to keep things on track.”
Q: Can focusing on motives make me too soft on toxic behavior?
A: Not if you pair motive with accountability. Recognize the driver, then enforce boundaries. “I see you’re feeling threatened, but yelling isn’t acceptable. Let’s discuss the issue calmly.”
Q: Is this approach only for work relationships?
A: Nope. It works at home, with friends, even with strangers. Anywhere you interpret behavior, the same two‑lens habit applies.
Q: What if I’m wrong about someone’s motive?
A: That’s okay. The key is to stay curious and open to correction. A simple “I guessed you were… is that right?” can clear misunderstandings fast.
Q: How long does it take to make this habit stick?
A: Research on habit formation suggests 21‑66 days of consistent practice. Start with one interaction a day, and you’ll notice the shift before the month’s out.
Wrapping It Up
Next time you catch yourself snapping a judgment, try the quick pause‑then‑probe routine. In practice, you’ll find that most people aren’t acting out of thin air; there’s usually a reason, even if it’s messy. By giving both the action and the motivation a seat at the table, you’ll work through conversations with less friction, more trust, and a clearer sense of what really matters.
Give it a go this week—maybe during that tense email exchange or the next family dinner. You might be surprised how much smoother things feel when you look beyond the headline and read the story underneath.
